tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83149818955493906682024-03-23T14:13:11.779-05:00Sara's ThoughtsSarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.comBlogger149125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-76615089283068917002020-09-18T13:35:00.000-05:002020-09-18T13:35:13.648-05:00365 Days<p> One year ago today, I made this post...</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQJcc1lpeLCQDgy1CKkAQBy4HhSfMOcBWWpACUjhVFOddaNzqwrWHE8A45mUz4DX4usVTHTIw3u-9GDHwYBZyW7Q3wXuINloHsr1sJ7LjPRBirisE4aSfwrY3dvpwfbZYabsU5W7HLPr4/s1645/Screen+Shot+2020-09-18+at+11.59.33+AM.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1204" data-original-width="1645" height="468" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQJcc1lpeLCQDgy1CKkAQBy4HhSfMOcBWWpACUjhVFOddaNzqwrWHE8A45mUz4DX4usVTHTIw3u-9GDHwYBZyW7Q3wXuINloHsr1sJ7LjPRBirisE4aSfwrY3dvpwfbZYabsU5W7HLPr4/w640-h468/Screen+Shot+2020-09-18+at+11.59.33+AM.png" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>One year later, my motivation has paid off. There are still some days that are hard (2020, amiright?), but I have done a 180.</p><p>Almost two weeks ago, I posted I was doing big things. It's actually one big thing that I know will lead to bigger things. Ever since I left VHUMC, I have struggled to find my purpose. Sometimes people aren't presented their purpose immediately or with certainty. They have to discover a significant amount more about themselves to find it. No matter how or when you realize it, all that matters is that you do. </p><p>3,784 days ago, I graduated from college with a BS in Sport and Fitness Management. 32 days ago, I started my first graduate class. I am pursuing my Masters in Education with a concentration in Physical Education.</p><p>In my second year of college thousands of days ago, I can recall walking across the quad at Troy University, talking to my mom on the phone. I was trying to declare my major. She thought I'd be a great PE teacher. I thought she could be right, so I went to my guidance counselor a few days later, and it was declared. A week into my first education class, I left that major quicker than the fastest kid on the kickball team running the bases for an inside the park home run. I knew it wasn't for me. I eventually landed on SFM and loved the major. From the professors to my fellow students, I knew I was in the right place. I made A's and B's my last two years of college. </p><p>Now that I am back in the education class that I originally ran from, I am thoroughly enjoying it. I credit the experience I got from basically being a PE teacher at VHUMC. I also credit all the people in my life- my mom and dad, my friends (from back home and all over; new and old). I also know it's important to give myself some credit. I wanted to give up countless times in the last year and a half. I really was drowning. Now I'm just butterfly stroking* through it. </p><p>*Sidenote: I just looked up the butterfly stroke, and woah, that does not look easy. Then I looked up breaststroke- I'm just going to stick with good ol' fashioned swimming, and the point I was trying to make is that I'm not drowning.</p><p>Can I also be THAT pet parent that gives credit to their pups? Great, cause I'm gonna! Canon, Phoenix, and little man Murphy put up with a lot of shit the last year or so. I was sad, discouraged, in the house ALL DAY for weeks at a time, and they just kept showing up by giving me unconditional love. I cannot imagine and better trio. I miss the hell out of Murphy but Canon and Phoenix are picking up the slack and pushing forward. I could not be more grateful.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5jqLmcU9b0dQgEVhMOVDthxytSVRW8j4R0W1woI19WjS4NPHjGHUjFnl0Ohb-Sj4LpgB-Gow7dGIAMp3Qamq7-TwOFtISoBuQJAwTGEZSWgG7b8BZ-UjsECIf5uxRuJHj5SYLJ7CesOo/s2000/D9E9E6EA-59DC-46F0-9C20-1F2E28FECCD8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2000" data-original-width="1125" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5jqLmcU9b0dQgEVhMOVDthxytSVRW8j4R0W1woI19WjS4NPHjGHUjFnl0Ohb-Sj4LpgB-Gow7dGIAMp3Qamq7-TwOFtISoBuQJAwTGEZSWgG7b8BZ-UjsECIf5uxRuJHj5SYLJ7CesOo/w360-h640/D9E9E6EA-59DC-46F0-9C20-1F2E28FECCD8.jpg" width="360" /></a></div><br /><p>365 days later, I'm where I knew that I could be. Now, I can't wait to do more and be even better than today.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyC4Z8-w096S0sG-UR_2-BMWAFT0_mQXKSme4PcetAFZ_ezp6Kt77dKWB3r0yh7jQi5QenrAi-rZbzCNTXwKj6GkWNUlBSnA1047hj65R0_S45tl6GkMGUdD12Cg8Nme6UzHGbRboJmkE/s2048/IMG_0673.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyC4Z8-w096S0sG-UR_2-BMWAFT0_mQXKSme4PcetAFZ_ezp6Kt77dKWB3r0yh7jQi5QenrAi-rZbzCNTXwKj6GkWNUlBSnA1047hj65R0_S45tl6GkMGUdD12Cg8Nme6UzHGbRboJmkE/w640-h480/IMG_0673.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-12177477444308730072019-05-22T16:49:00.000-05:002019-05-22T16:49:47.718-05:00Square OneHi there.<br />
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Been a while. I just realized that my last update was in June 2017. Can't even begin to tell you all that's happened since then. I've got about 8 posts that I started, all about different things, that I never finished. The way my life was going, the writing was not something that was inspiring at the time. It felt like a chore. Like I was doing it for everyone else and not for me. Writing is an outlet for me. If it doesn't serve as an outlet, I don't want to do it. Somewhere along the way, I started to keep things inside (spoiler alert: that made things worse). So, here I am, trying to make things better, for me.<br />
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This season without my mom (that will last for the rest of my life) has been an overwhelming one to say the least. It's been 4 years, but I believe when certain life-changing things happen to you time is something you can lose track of. To help with that I just write things down. Whether in a list form or paragraph form, just write it. Sometimes it turns into something more, sometimes its purpose is served when the thought is transferred to paper.<br />
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So, as for a life update, this one is hard-<br />
I no longer work at Shipt.<br />
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I know, I know- that was fast.<br />
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*Side-ish note: Shipt is a fantastic company! If you get a chance to work for Shipt in any capacity, do it! You will not regret it.*<br />
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In my short time there I met some really cool people. I am so incredibly sad I didn't get to know them better as well as meet everyone. Every single reason it didn't work out had to do with my own personal issues. I started having panic attacks, I couldn't sleep. I arrived at work every morning like things were okay, but they were not. Ultimately, two things were happening:<br />
1. I was miserable.<br />
2. I felt like Shipt deserved more.<br />
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So I left. We talked and I'm pretty sure no bridges were burned, but it made me incredibly sad. I spent the next few weeks in my house. I'm not exaggerating. Inside my house on my couch. Crying and eating and sleeping and keeping my dogs alive (which simultaneously kept me alive- thank God for pets, right?!?!). And Shipt is everywhere. The grocery store where I shop (Publix, duh). I am currently in a coffee shop across from Pepper Place and the Shipt logo is on the side of their building staring at me as I walk to my car. It's everywhere! And honestly, it should be. I cannot stress enough how amazing that company is, and I only got to experience the tip of the iceberg of what they have to offer. I think this will be one of the moments in my life I look back on and wonder what could have been...<br />
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But alas, I have to move forward. So I am back to the drawing board. Job searching, driving for Lyft, trying to keep my head up. A job doesn't define you, but I think they're important for people who prefer the "9-5". It gives you some purpose, gets you out of the house, you meet all kinds of people. For me personally, a job is important. And I've just been floating around too long.<br />
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So, there you have it.<br />
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Life can be hard. Things happen every single day that affect your path. They way you respond can alter it. If you are genuinely doing your best, don't be so hard on yourself. Keep trying. Don't give up.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-54264198284980176622017-06-22T13:58:00.000-05:002017-06-22T14:23:32.449-05:00"What are you doing these days?"I've been dodging a lot of questions about the current state I am in (it's Tennessee in case you forgot). But seriously. I could honestly keep dodging. It's my business. My life. However, I've always pretty much been an open book. I also feel like if you are comfortable sharing your good circumstances, maybe sharing your not so good circumstances could help someone else.<br />
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Social media masks one's life. Everyone looks like they're living their best life, and I suppose they actually could be. But I think we can confuse "best" with "perfect". Nothing is perfect. And that's okay.<br />
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So, here we go.<br />
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The past year has been an interesting one. I haven't had a super steady job since I left Birmingham. I've really been trying to figure out what I want to do. What I enjoy doing. Turns out travel is at the top of my list, but all I can do with that right now is spend money, not make any. I don't think life is all about making money, but it does help with the day-to-day.<br />
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People keep asking me what I want to do. My answer: I have no idea. That's a scary thing to say EVERY TIME someone asks. And they ask A LOT. I feel like I could do a lot of things. I'm pretty capable. Which can be paralyzing. If you've been called to be a nurse, a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher then you know what you have to do. When you don't know, your interest and self-esteem go way down. It then becomes hard to do much else. It hurts you. Your relationships. It hurts the day-to-day.<br />
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I can narrow it down to a couple of things that I like doing and that I feel like I'm good at<br />
1. Helping people.<br />
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I said "a couple of things" didn't I? Yeah, there's only one.<br />
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Helping people was one of the things I most enjoyed at VHUMC. In all facets. Even if it was just helping someone find their way around the church.<br />
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When I'm down, I help someone, and I'm immediately uplifted. I have purpose. Purpose can be hard to find and tough to hold on to.<br />
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I think one's hopes and dreams are built on following your heart. I followed mine to Nashville. I've learned so much here. About myself. About others. About God and the universe. Love, hate...so many things. Where I stand now: If I end up back in Birmingham, I would not count Nashville as a failure. I won't move back to Birmingham (or anywhere for that matter) without a job. So ending up back there wouldn't be a failure at all. If I find a job in Nashville, then it was meant to be. I'll still have some learning to do here.<br />
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So, all of you out there trying to figure out what I've been doing for the past year (or so), here it is. It's been great, but it's been hard. I've been able to travel some. I've been able to be my true self. I wouldn't trade that for any job.<br />
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With all of that being said, if any of my Birmingham people that read this know of a job, give me a shout. Wherever I'm pulled, I'll follow.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-64152530136562262572017-01-13T17:51:00.001-06:002017-01-13T17:51:28.472-06:002016#BestNine has been trending on social media the past week few weeks. I did one but decided that I needed a blog post dedicated to it.<br>
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Not sure if you noticed a recurring theme (spoiler alert: it's my mom). 2016 was my first full calendar year without her (January 1st - December 31st). In 2015 I had her for almost 3 months. I spent the remaining 9 months wandering. Wandering in sorrow, depression, hopelessness, among other things. I remember how I felt January 1st of 2016. I vividly remember taking a deep breath and taking my first step toward a full calendar year without her. </div>
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2016 brought about a lot of changes. Most notably my move to Nashville. A move that I still stand firmly by today. This city has given me a lot of insight into who I am. It has also given me insight into the world. I've met some interesting people. I've watched and learned from these people. I've learned from my own experiences, too. I strongly believe that when I look back on this move 50 years from now, I'll be grateful I did it. </div>
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My mom was at the center of my 2016 #BestNine. She'll always be at my center. She will always be what grounds me. While I spent 2016 discovering who I am, I will spend 2017 making decisions. That sounds like an "all work, no play" kind of plan, but it's not. Not in the least. I've been able to float a bit this past year. I consider floating to be like rolling with the punches. Something I will continue to do, but the decision making will come into play. I need to decide what I'm going to do. What do I want? How can I actually help others? Where can my gifts be used to benefit others? The community? The world? All big decisions that will not be decided in a week, but WILL be decided in 2017. Also, at my center, I need more Jesus. I have not been actively ignoring Him. I still believe I have a relationship with Him. However, I have not been feeding it. I have not been nourishing it. That needs to be a priority. </div>
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2016 felt like a recovery year. A lot of things happened in years past, and I needed to mend. I needed to move forward in a way that I could heal. I'm not 100%. Or maybe I'm just a different 100%. I have good days and bad days (like everyone does), but life does look a lot different. In a good (sometimes challenging) way. 2017 is going to be a decision year. It's going to be challenging, but I'm going to make it fun.</div>
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You know, some people will say they had a bad year. And maybe they did. Who I am I to judge YOUR year? As for me, I like to think that if out of 365 days I had 100 bad days that just means I had 265 good days. Hell, even if I had 182 bad days I still would get 183 good days, and that counts for something. </div>
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So moving on to 2017. A little more Jesus, a lot less me, and some decisions. </div>
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*Shoutout to Adele for making my #BestNine. Your concert was magical! </div>
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Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-7813479847871601322016-08-24T20:46:00.002-05:002016-08-24T20:46:36.155-05:00August Nashville Update (I've got to get more creative with post titles)It's been almost 4 months to the day since I last posted. That was not my intention, but A LOT has happened since then.<br />
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Let's start with my house in Birmingham. I "put it on the market" (sort of). As soon as I told my realtor I was ready to put it on the market someone was already interested in looking at it (I've got a great realtor!). They checked it out and made an offer. The rest is history. I finally got my name off the utilities, mailed/returned the keys...everything. It was bitter/sweet to let it go. My mother found that house (she specifically wrote "GREAT DECK!" in her notes...that I still have). She loved it! She decorated it. She made it a home. She took such good care of me, and she was so excited about the new chapter in my life 3 years ago when I decided to buy a house. I'm so sad she hasn't been a part of this new chapter. I feel like I'm finally coming into my own and she's not here...physically. We can't talk about it. As much as I like to think I know what she would say, I don't know exactly and well, it just sucks. But it's also because of her (and my dad) that I'm able to do this. They've taken care of me since before I was born. They helped make me who I am today. Somewhere along the way, I took over but it all started with them, and I still learn from them everyday. I'm so honored and overjoyed everyday that God chose them to be my parents. </div>
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Next up...job. Yes, I have left Mountain High, and no, not because I hated it. I loved it! I loved who I worked with and who I came in contact with! The hours, weekends and pay just made it difficult. I found a new job shortly before I left MHO. I am currently working at a company called National Coatings and Supplies. My hours are 7:30am - 4:30pm Monday through Friday. I'll never work weekends or major holidays. Benefits started my first day and the pay is better. I don't necessarily see myself doing this forever, but it's good for right now. I want to travel and have my weekends. I'm able to do that here.<br />
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Now to the not so fun stuff...<br />
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I'm going to be 30 in 7 days. I wish my mom were here, and I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. One of the greatest things about picking up and moving to Nashville was that it was something that I wanted to do and it was way out of my comfort zone. I don't regret it for a second. One of the hardest things about picking up and moving to Nashville is that it has forced me to figure out what I want to do. Figure out what I'm passionate about it. The feeling I get when I can't come up with anything I'm passionate about is gut wrenching. I feel lazy, worthless, and just damn sad. So that's where I am right now. Figuring out what I'm meant to do, or at least finding something that will lead me in that direction. I wish I could tell you more. So much more. But I can't. At least not right now.<br />
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And contrary to what you may think now, Nashville is great and it's where I'm meant to be. Birmingham was and is a great city. VHUMC was a good job and one that I enjoyed for a time. Somewhere along the way, either do solely to the job or the loss of my mother, or maybe a combination of both of those things (and others) I became unhappy. If I hadn't picked up and moved, gotten out of my comfort zone, I'm not sure where I would be. I'm here for a reason. Just gotta hold on long enough to figure it out.<br />
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Love to you my friends. Nothing but love.</div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-32926397886931928612016-05-04T20:57:00.001-05:002016-05-04T20:57:59.613-05:00Leap of FaithShortly after my mother died, I wanted to make a change. In the beginning, I was trying to run away from all of the pain and sorrow, hoping that a change of scenery would fix everything. When I came back to reality I knew that wasn't the answer. However, a change of scenery was still heavy on my heart.<br />
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In October of last year I visited Nashville with my best friend and fell in love. The city was beautiful and just a breath of fresh air. By then it had been about 6 months since my mom passed. Since the feeling to "shake things up" was still there, I decided it was time to make plans to move forward. Now, my plans were a little different. I wanted to take some time off. I didn't want to find a job immediately, which I know is different from the norm. But I had the ability to, and with everything that had happened, I felt like I deserved it. </div>
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So, the ball started rolling. I made arrangements at work. It was all a little bitter/sweet. I was leaving my first very first big girl job. I learned a lot about others. I learned a whole hell of a lot about myself. There were bad days, and really good days. This job gave me the ability to be with my ailing mother during the last years, months and days of her life. It had great benefits and a lot of freedom, but I couldn't justify working there anymore. I loved a lot of the people I got to meet and work with, but my heart wasn't in it anymore. Ministry is not something you can fake. Or at least it's not something you can fake for a long period of time. It wasn't fair to me, it wasn't fair to the people, and it wasn't fair to the church/ministry/community. It was time to take care of me, and figure out what I really wanted.</div>
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Sometimes learning about yourself and who you really are can be a painful process. Mine was no different. I had to peel back layers that had built up over the years for whatever reason. I finally knew who I was and I wanted to go and be it in Nashville. I'm a work in progress and I feel like that's an ongoing thing for most people. Never been mad about learning new things about myself and others everyday. So, here's to that.</div>
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Now, here I am (more or less) settled in Nashville. I just got offered a job yesterday with Mountain High Outfitters. Yes, retail. Yes, I'm ecstatic about it! Turns out they are in a bit of transition with their managers, and I interviewed very well and with my past management experience have the opportunity to "climb the ladder" fairly quickly. This may end up being a career, it may not. I am just enjoying the ride. I want to do that...enjoy the ride. I'm a laid back, hard worker. Those can work together. </div>
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Balance. I'm learning that's what life is about. There will be good and bad. Sometimes you gotta work to find the good. Sometimes it just comes. You have to take the bad as well. It's just part of life. </div>
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I will never get over the loss of my mother. I've wanted to call her (actually almost picked up the phone yesterday to do so) and tell her everything. But I will make the most of this life. I'll have some really bad days, and some really good days, and I'll push forward. I'll take care of myself, the ones I love and all the souls I've yet to meet. And whenever I'm called Home, I'll be ready and at peace. </div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-46005850021853543222016-04-26T22:38:00.001-05:002016-04-26T22:38:25.371-05:00CaretakerI have been trying to write this since August of 2015. A lot has happened since then, but one thing has remained... my father. He's been through so much, and I just don't feel like he's gotten enough credit from me over the years. A daughter's relationship with her father is different than her relationship with her mother. I always felt so lucky because we had a lot in common (sports, hunting, etc). Still do. My love for my daddy runs as deep as my love for my mom. We just show it differently. So, here's the original post, with some edits...<br />
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Over the past few years, I have dedicated so many posts, pictures, etc. to my mother. She deserves infinite posts, but another person that deserves the same is my dad. The caretaker of our entire family since day one. And more so, my mom's main caretaker. He has gone above and beyond. My mom didn't get sick until my second year of college, so I haven't been at home watching him everyday. But I didn't need to be. When I was home for weekends I would see plenty. His care, concern, and love overflowed out of him. We know that my mom took care of him for years, he was returning the <strike>favor</strike> love. My parents were so very in love. After my mom passed my dad made the comment that it was just easy with them. I felt the same way about my love for my mom. Easy. More so when I got older and less selfish. She was easy to love, and everyone loved her. Especially my dad.<br />
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The man is a saint. Or at least as close to a saint as you can get. He has 3 sisters, 3 daughters, and works with all women. Even our cat (both of them) were females. I mean, can the man catch a break? He sort of did when my sisters married and he got a few grandsons. He's also warmed up to his sons-in-law (ha!).<br />
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He's a man of few words on the phone, but will chat with you until late in person. He's a good man with a kind heart. Most of which I have discovered without him knowing...<br />
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Many years ago I found a thank you note written to him from a gentleman whose name escapes me now. Thanking him for some dental work my dad did for him. I gathered from the note that it was a favor from my dad. I never though that my dad wouldn't do that for someone (he's done it for some of my friends), just was cool to see it written down. And the gentleman was just so thankful, and appreciative. Which tells me that he needed it, and my dad gave it. Genuinely.<br />
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I've given credit for a lot of my positive attributes to my mother and mainly given credit for my gift of procrastination to my father. The truth is I am who I am because of both of them. We are different in many ways, but we're alike in a lot of ways, too.<br />
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Since my mom has passed, we've all been doing the best we can. Days can be long. Nights can be longer. Conversations can drift towards her and you still feel the sting of her absence. You can be in a room full of people, and only notice that she's not there. But I suppose we're all still here, so that counts as doing pretty well.<br />
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A while back I asked a friend of mine if she could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would she choose. She answered then gave me the same question. I thought for a moment, and said that the first half of dinner I'd like to have my dinner with my mom. Then the last half, I'd like to have my dad join us. I miss their interactions. You could always see how much they loved each other, just in the way they spoke to one another. It was effortless.<br />
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I love my daddy, and I can't imagine him not being here, too. We got pretty close a year ago, but he's here and getting healthier.<br />
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I guess I can't really use the line, "when I grow up..." anymore...which just means I hope I'm like my daddy now. I hope I'm making him proud, and I hope that as he's making his way through his grief, he's knows that I (and my sisters) are right there with him. I love you, Daddy. You are the best caretaker, son, friend, brother, and father there ever was. Thank you for being you.<br />
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September of 2009</div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-12981693424757921902016-03-30T20:19:00.000-05:002016-03-30T20:19:15.760-05:00Memories fill my mind, love and hope fill my heart.This time a year ago, life was going in a direction I never thought it would. I was gradually saying goodbye to my mother. It was a bit of a roller coaster. She would have a good day or two, then a bad day. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. It was exhausting but I kept fighting it because I knew my time with her was limited. Tough to fight the inevitable.<br />
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Here I am almost a year after she left and I feel even heavier this time around. In a different way I suppose. Life is different, but I miss her just the same. I want to call her all the time. I catch myself still. My insides tighten when I realize I can't. I know I'm not the first person to lose their mother, and I know I won't be the last. But I am the first to lose MY mother. She was truly one of a kind. A daughter, sister, friend, mother, aunt, grandmother for the books.<br />
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I am still looking for a job in Nashville. A little scary, but I know it'll work out. It always does. God has been so gracious and merciful. His complete understanding of where I am and how I feel has made the days a little easier. He has given me certain people and experiences that have carried me. Kept pushing me. Thanks be to Him.<br />
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Until next time, my friends, all my love.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-53590705621599565172016-02-15T00:35:00.000-06:002016-02-17T01:01:07.262-06:00Nashville - Quick UpdateWell, I'm here. I have moved. Just the necessities for now, but I'm here. This city is great! I'm very excited about exploring, but letting go of all that's in Birmingham has proved to be very difficult.<br>
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It's crazy how you can be pulled forward and backward all at the same time. I'm being pulled back to Birmingham because of all of things and people I miss. I miss the comfort. The familiarity of it all. But at the same time I'm being pulled forward to this great, big adventure...where I have no idea what's going to happen. I really do believe that eventually the things I miss so much back home in Birmingham will morph into something that instead of making me feel sad, will make me happy about from where I've come. And where I'm going. This has to be good and meant to be otherwise everything wouldn't have worked out the way it did.<br>
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Nashville, I'm going to give you the piece of my heart that's not a part of Birmingham, and I know you're going to sweep me off my feet!Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-20079551377438155292016-01-21T21:48:00.000-06:002016-01-21T21:48:07.495-06:00AdventureFor as long as I can remember, I've wanted to just go. Just pick up and go somewhere. And for some reason, I never have. Either the timing wasn't right, something came up, or something inside me just knew it wasn't right.<br />
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Well, here I am and I'm finally getting to go. I'll be leaving for Nashville, TN in mid-February to explore and start anew. I do not have a job yet, and I am completely okay with that. My whole life has felt like one big plan, and now I don't want to plan. I just want to do. My oldest best friend is currently living in Nashville for a few months for work. I will be joining her. When she leaves, I'll stay behind and figure things out. She's easing me into a new state, new city, new life. I am completely overwhelmed by how I feel about all of this in the most positive way. I'm pretty laid back when it comes to most things. I don't normally get drawn to anything. I have experienced the exact opposite the last few months. I've been drawn to so many things. I've let the moments consume me like a fire. The beauty of "right now" has taken over and it has been breathtaking.<br />
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Another best friend of mine is taking over my house in Birmingham. That'll be a safety net of sorts. If Nashville doesn't work out, I'll still have a place in Birmingham waiting for me.<br />
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Ever since my mom died, a change of scenery has been heavy on my heart. I told myself that if I still felt that way after 6 months to a year, I would take the leap. And here we are 9+ months since she left this earth, and it's as heavy on my heart now as it was when I first thought of it.<br />
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Thank you to my family, friends and co-workers for all of the support. It's been an absolute roller coaster of a year and I could not have made it without anyone that's been along for the ride.<br />
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More to come soon...<br />
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<br />"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - H. Jackson BrownSarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-29127049920786236712016-01-02T15:30:00.000-06:002016-01-02T15:30:20.384-06:00Post-holidayIt's officially 2016. The holidays are over. Back to reality (and work) on Monday.<br />
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I got to say, this New Years was one of the best I've ever had. I spent it at my house with friends, playing games and just hanging out. In fact, we were having so much fun we missed the ball drop. We didn't realize it was 2016 until a couple of minutes after midnight. Which is perfectly fine with me. I'm trying to live more in the moment. No more waiting for a specific time. No more not doing something just because I don't think it's going to work out.<br />
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If I'm being completely honest (which I usually try to do on here) the holidays were rough. My family was great. The time off has been great. But it was different. Everything was different. A little clouded. A little empty. She was missing. It wasn't a surprise. I knew it was coming. And it still hit me like a ton of bricks. There were moments during the day I would just tell myself that she was in the other room. Or that she was laying down because she didn't feel well. I was missing her, but I was sad she was missing everything. I was sad that we weren't going to make any new memories with her. That the kids memories were numbered. You could actually count them. It would take a while, but there was a figure. I'm just happy that while there is a number for our memories, I'd never be able to count them. Too many to count and so many good ones I can't help but smile through my tears and pain because she made me so happy. She was so (for lack of a better word) great. A great person. A great daughter. A great sister. A great friend. A great wife. A great mother. A great MaeMae (grandmother).<br />
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2016 will be my first full calendar year without my mother. I know there will be some days I won't want to participate in 2016, but I hope there will be more that I'll live to the fullest in memory of her. Some big changes are coming in 2016 for me. While she's not physically here (and since I have no other choice) I'll be carrying her with me. I'll talk to her and tell her everything.<br />
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While letting go of 2015 feels like something I really want to do, it's also really difficult. 2015 was the last year my mom was on this earth. Part of me would like to go back. Just to be with her on this earth again. Not sure if I could lose her twice, but I might could try if it meant I got to be with her again.<br />
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So, here's to 2016. I know there will be more ups and downs. Nothing will compare to losing my mother, but not much can compare to surviving this world without her either. Here's to being brave (like her) and to living in the moment.<br />
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"The thing about being brave is that it doesn't come with the absence of fear and hurt. Bravery is the ability to look fear and hurt in the face and say move aside, you are in my way." - Melissa Tumino<br />
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"Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have." - Eckhart Tolle<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinbswqM2J-bMhaxtMEYxQOgTNfzg4g3tylfz_kEV5WwGt4cboTB68j4K5YLLdNjuGOZA3seWVMMF4TcOo-JQUm9bQkmZQHXKXOlc9DnxsObfGcONopXK_f2PVQGfD6pulS-beREO250Kw/s1600/10659259_10152911543206973_4892346428782217662_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="416" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinbswqM2J-bMhaxtMEYxQOgTNfzg4g3tylfz_kEV5WwGt4cboTB68j4K5YLLdNjuGOZA3seWVMMF4TcOo-JQUm9bQkmZQHXKXOlc9DnxsObfGcONopXK_f2PVQGfD6pulS-beREO250Kw/s640/10659259_10152911543206973_4892346428782217662_n.jpg" width="640" /></a>Christmas 2014 - Our last Christmas with Mom</div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-4522633080195953892015-11-22T12:19:00.000-06:002015-11-25T16:35:07.256-06:00Pre-HolidayI wanted to take the time to talk about how I'm feeling before the holidays. Then, after the holidays I'll go over how it actually went.<div>
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This is mostly for me. I have a lot of anxiety about the holidays this year. My mother was always such huge presence. Her not being here is making me want to skip them all together. I want to put my head in the sand and just let it all pass me by swiftly. </div>
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Thanksgiving was always an important holiday. We always knew how thankful and grateful we should be for <strike>what</strike> who we have. Especially in the last 8 years. We would normally spend Thanksgiving in Monroeville. Mom would spend the day Wednesday (and I'm sure Monday and Tuesday, too) preparing. Most of us could make it home by Wednesday night. Once the kids were put to bed, we would sit around and talk. Some years we played games. We just spent time together. It was one of my favorite holidays. Not as crazy as Christmas, but with just as much food. </div>
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This year, we will be spending Thanksgiving in Birmingham at my sister's. If Mom were here, I would love to be doing this. It would mean I'd get to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't have to drive south on the disaster known as I-65. We'd be together and that's all that would matter. Now there's the fear of looking at the couch, or at a chair where someone should be but isn't. The fear of missing out on conversations we could have had if she were here. It's enough to make you want to run and hide. It's crippling.</div>
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But here we are. Being forced to figure it out. Being forced to make it work. I suppose that's just the norm since April. Maybe it won't be forever. Here's hoping.</div>
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Thanksgiving 2014</div>
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Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-61694813994330474472015-10-12T01:12:00.000-05:002015-10-12T01:12:22.893-05:00Six months...and countingAs I'm starting this, it will have been six months since my mother died in about 4 hours. We'll see how long it takes me to get through this.<br />
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Dates have always been a thing for me. I'm pretty good at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but I can't for the life of me remember what I ate for dinner a 3 nights ago. Anyway, dates, they're a big deal. Which is why I'm here...<br />
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6 months without her. That's 183 days. 183 days without the woman that carried me through life. For 28 years of my life I let her carry me. If I could go back I wouldn't change anything, but it has made it harder without her. It's hard to decipher between what I want and what I think she would want for me. What I've decided is that as long as I'm happy, she'd be happy for me. That's what she would want...for me to just be happy. It's just weird trying to figure out life without her.<br />
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The last 6 months I've learned a lot about myself. Which has been great, but also difficult because she is missing it. Someone says "Mom", I see her face. Someone is eating lunch or dinner with their mother, I hear her voice. While I would never be one to tell anyone what to do, I do want to share this...if you still have your mother, talk to her. Hug her. Visit her. Tell her you love her. She loves you more than anyone on this earth. You are a part of her, and she won't always be here. Even with the extra time I got with my mother (we got a good 7+ years thanks to the advances in medicine), it wasn't enough. It was never going to be. Even if she had lived to be 100, it would not have been enough. Assuming I live for another 29 years (math = I would be 58...yep, I had to use a calculator), that means I would be on this earth longer without her than I was with her. Not sure how that's going to work...mainly because it just seems so unfair...but I have no other choice. No matter how long I have left on this earth, she will be with me through it all. It's going to be hard some days, probably most of them for a while, but it's going to be worth it. She would want that for me. And for all she did for me, most of which I will never be able to repay, this is the least I can do for her. Live my life. Find what makes me happy, and live.<br />
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Okay, now is when I need you to buckle up. I did something for myself in honor of my mother. It's a little funny what I decided to do because they were never her thing. I kept it tasteful, and also I can hide it pretty easily. But the more I look at it, the more I love it and I don't want to hide it. I'm sure some people might not love it, but it's not for them. It's for me. It's a reminder...of a lot of things, actually, but the one I'm willing to share (and which is probably most obvious) is her love for letters (cards, notes, etc.) She sent a card for just about everything. In fact, when I was looking for the perfect one I came across one she sent me for Easter 2013 that I had never opened. What's even funnier to me is that it was just a funny card. It wasn't signed and it had a little money in it (as always). Anyway, I got a tattoo of her handwriting on my wrist. The "Love" is from a letter she wrote to me in 1987. The "Mom" is from one of my favorite birthday cards from her. The comma was left up to the tattoo artist. He did a great job on all of it (especially the comma :)). So, without further ado...<br />
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Miss the hell out of her. Some days hurt so bad it's hard to want to get out of bed in the morning. But some days are good, and I remember how much I was loved by her (and still am). And how much I love her. And it was all worth it. The good, the bad and the ugly. She was the best mother, friend, daughter, sister, MaeMae (grandmother) the world has ever seen (I know I am pretty biased, but I'll fight to the death for it because it's true).</div>
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And since pictures were always her thing, I'll leave you with a little collage...</div>
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I miss you with every fiber of my being, and I love you more than I can put into words.</div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-103542722416561312015-08-03T23:36:00.000-05:002015-08-03T23:36:09.974-05:00This Thing Called (My) Grief<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while we live." - Norman Cousins</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br /></span><span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Actually, I feel more this way: One of the greatest losses in life is not only death, but also what dies inside of the people left behind.</span></span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Death, for me, has caused sadness, confusion, anger, regret, disappointment, frustration, depression, highs, lows, hopelessness and a whole bunch of other emotions that could take up this endless page.</span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">In case you don't know the stages of grief, here they are:</span><br />
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1. Denial</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">2. Anger</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">3. Bargaining</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">4. Depression</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">5. Acceptance</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br /></span>I never had a problem with the way these were listed until I had to experience grief myself. My "stages" of grief would be listed more like this:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In alphabetical order (because grief has made me even more OCD):</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">-Acceptance</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">-Anger</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">-Bargaining</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">-Denial</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">-Depression</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">-Plus many, many more. For some reason, someone decided to stop at 5. Maybe they got tired of writing. Or maybe whoever it was, was going through some stage of grief and after 5 they just realized, "Hey, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm gonna go take a nap." Then someone else found the list and gave it to someone important and well, here we are. Grief cannot be limited to 5 stages, and it can't be in any order. Otherwise, I'm grieving wrong. (Spoiler: there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone is different, which means everyone grieves differently). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It would then be accompanied by this cool (all I had was Microsoft Word, so don't judge me) graphic:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have experienced all of these numerous times. They have overlapped many times, and most of my emotions aren't even mentioned in that circle (that's why there's the "many, many more" line).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This last week has been overwhelmingly hard, and not for any particular reason. Maybe it's just the longer I have to go without my mom, the more moments she can't physically be here for, well, the harder it gets. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Don't pity me, just love me. I have no idea what I need or want right now other than love. Even if it may seem like I don't want love. And while I know you'll probably tell me I don't need to, I'm going to apologize. Not because I'm going through this, but for people, especially my closest friends, having to walk this with me. I can't remember most things lately. I'm getting frustrated and tired much quicker these days. I'm also sorry for anything you don't understand. Chances are I don't understand it either. It's just how I feel. I am a people pleaser, and it's been hard feeling like I can't do that. Like I'm bringing everyone around me down, whether it's true or not, I can't shake that feeling. Which plays a lot into me keeping to myself most days.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I didn't write this to make anyone worry. I wrote it because maybe someone else is going through this as the griever or grievee...I think I just made that word up...maybe it should read: as the griever or the friend/family member. Maybe it'll help. Also, writing is an outlet for me. So don't worry, I do this for me, too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thanks for the love and support. It does not go unnoticed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And because everyone (especially my mom) loves pictures...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnA2U53HAVVARpQbNZs5FNPk4aLS8HJlcM7aG515swTN_xlgInxWJKfWvvYR6DJaTxBuWoaIJALG1MlUF-rHqO3JATJts-b6uFqPrcgSLAQmWTCQABGU7z2m6WNIwZ49UJSPozlJdjgl0/s1600/IMG_2999.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnA2U53HAVVARpQbNZs5FNPk4aLS8HJlcM7aG515swTN_xlgInxWJKfWvvYR6DJaTxBuWoaIJALG1MlUF-rHqO3JATJts-b6uFqPrcgSLAQmWTCQABGU7z2m6WNIwZ49UJSPozlJdjgl0/s640/IMG_2999.jpg" width="558" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">**Disclaimer: these are my personal experiences (obviously, this is my blog). I do not pretend to be a doctor or know everything about grief, depression, etc.**</span></div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-68643983640426015202015-07-21T00:23:00.001-05:002015-07-21T00:23:30.166-05:00Late Night RamblingWhen I was told in January that my mom had 6 months to a year left, I really put a lot of hope into that timeframe. I didn't set my sites on January 2016, I set it on the minimum...6 months. Which would have been this month. As most of you know, things did not go as planned and she's been gone for over 3 months.<br />
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In all my life I only remember her being sick once, and that was when she found out after 40+ years that she was allergic to shrimp. I remember how sad she was (and continued to be) when she couldn't eat shrimp. It was one of her favorites. She finally got to a place where she would pick the 2 (sometimes 3) biggest shrimp from the group and eat those and be fine. But any more was really playing with fire.<br />
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I had 28 years of her being my mom. I got really lucky in that somewhere along the way, my mom became my best friend. And if I'm being honest it was probably somewhere in the middle of my college years. Right around the time of her diagnosis. It really wasn't until then that she became human to me...and I realized that I could lose her much sooner than I had planned. Which was an unshakeable feeling that would come and go. She would beat it, think she'd be done, then it would show back up again. Towards the end, that feeling just stuck around all the time. I always thought I would go before her. I know, that's weird. I'm the child, she's the parent, it's not "supposed" to work that way. But I think it was because I could not imagine my would without her. Honestly, I couldn't imagine anyone's world (even people that didn't know her) without her. She was just too important. Too special.<br />
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After her diagnosis was when I saw how strong she really was. There was one year, around the beginning, that she lost all of her hair and really looked sick. After that, I would sometimes forget. She was still living life. And when she couldn't get out of the house, she'd find stuff to do there...her pictures books, thank you notes, etc. It wasn't until the very end that it was noticeable. And even still, her strength and faith shined bright.<br />
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This journey, which I have to be really honest here...She was diagnosed around February 2007. And for me, from 2007 to summer of 2014 I really thought she had this beat. But things kept happening and nothing really felt good anymore. But January 2015's diagnosis is when it really felt like this journey began. It felt like pieces of my soul (what made me, me), were chipping away. I didn't know what to do. As things got worse, as she got worse, the pieces being chipped got bigger. Then she was gone...and I was gone too.<br />
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It's still surreal to think that she's not here. That I can't hug her or hold her hand. I still pick up the phone to call her after a long day of work. And while I really have no intentions of getting married or having kids, it's extremely sad to think that if I ever did, she wouldn't be here for it. It's sad that she's not here to see me figure out who I really am, or what I really want to do with my life. It's not the same. Nothing will ever, ever be same.<br />
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However, I really do believe that her faith helped her to stick around for as long as she did. I'm doing my best to have a little more of it. I get by with <strike>a little</strike> a lot of help from my friends, and my family, and my friends that have become family.<br />
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I'll miss you forever. I'll love you for always.<br />
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Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-36384184657530097662015-06-17T01:45:00.001-05:002015-06-17T01:45:54.502-05:00Blurred, Fogged, and BrokenFair warning...honesty and sadness ahead.<br />
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It's an odd feeling to go on existing when the person that brought you into existence is no longer existing. It's strange to learn new things about the world or people and not be able to tell them. Or to move forward in time while they are stuck, standing still. And it's an odd feeling to know something is coming and still feel blindsided when it does.<br />
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Grief for me has a tendency of causing odd, unexplainable feelings. Which makes it harder for me to communicate to people how I feel. I wish there was a word that could describe what it felt like to lose a parent. My parent. A constant parent. My mother was my constant, and as soon as she was gone, I felt gone too.<br />
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The truth is, I believe, that no matter how much you love a person, and no matter how much you think you can't, you actually CAN live without them. The problem is that you don't WANT to. It's hard to get that "want" back. I like to think that it eventually comes back, but when you're right in the middle of not "wanting to", things get a bit hazy, like a fog. It can convince you of a lot of things. For me, it makes me go through the motions of life without every really being aware of what's going on. I can't keep track of days. I can't keep track of a lot of conversations. Thank God most of my bills are on autopay. Otherwise, I'd be behind on just about about everything. Okay, yeah, everything. <br />
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What I do want: to change everything. Today. I want to quit my job, move away, and just start over. However, there is an unwritten rule (or maybe it's written down somewhere) that after a traumatic experience you need to take 6 months to a year before you make any life changing decisions. I believe it, and I am trying my best to do just that. The truth is, I could quit my job today, move away, and start over...but it wouldn't bring my mother back, and that's exactly what I would be trying to do. Your troubles have an annoying tendency to follow you wherever you go.<br />
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*Random story: My next door neighbor randomly asked me yesterday if we could chat about some things in our basically shared back yard. Long story short, he met my mom (of course...she made friends everywhere she went) when I first moved in. He talked about her like she was still alive. I didn't correct him. It actually felt good that she was still alive to someone. Someone right next door.<br />
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I am wandering and I am lost. I have no map to get me out of the woods and on the other side of deep, dark grief. I have no travel guide that can tell me me the best way to go. It's just me, trudging along, trying to keep my eyes focused on the One that can lead me. I know He's there. My mom keeps telling me He is. It's just hard to see sometimes.<br />
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I know my vision is blurred. I know my head is fogged. I know...that my heart is breaking. Until I can find my way through my now blurred world....until the fog in my head dissipates...and until I can at least start to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, I'll be holding on. After all, it's pretty damn hard to make any (let alone good) decisions when everything's blurred, fogged and broken.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-21894258372590246112015-05-31T23:07:00.000-05:002015-05-31T23:07:42.401-05:00Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning.<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; line-height: 19.6000003814697px; text-align: justify;">I learned pretty early in the life that no one lives forever. And just because you learn it early, it doesn't make it any easier when you're reminded of it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Trebuchet MS, Trebuchet, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6000003814697px;">I miss her on Sundays the most. I don't know if it's because that's the day she died, or if it's because we always talked on Sunday. Maybe a little of both. More often than not, I'm off on Sundays (excluding flag football season). It was always our day to catch up. The last few months of her life, I'd call her as I was leaving church. She'd always answer. I miss that. I miss it every Sunday. I guess I really miss it everyday.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Trebuchet MS, Trebuchet, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.6000003814697px;">This was posted a year ago...</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And this was posted 2 years ago...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIoOivl2drpnVcFC567aqm3H-ReQCTQEaT9iadSv1LbdHGQKb04u6f63pBlIdJqD5_WS5Ah0H9MKUzcPIKkhFtHQu0Lh2HnAvV0K81flFPrBR_YbGPlZXPmYxTRT4wtMfxpPyTZMmWMrY/s1600/IMG_0872.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIoOivl2drpnVcFC567aqm3H-ReQCTQEaT9iadSv1LbdHGQKb04u6f63pBlIdJqD5_WS5Ah0H9MKUzcPIKkhFtHQu0Lh2HnAvV0K81flFPrBR_YbGPlZXPmYxTRT4wtMfxpPyTZMmWMrY/s400/IMG_0872.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Social media really can be a great comfort. I know there are people in the world that don't use it for good, but I'm so glad I have it. The Timehop app is a blessing and a curse. It reminded me about the 2 pictures above. Nice to know that a year ago I was sitting in the den with my mom. She was doing well then. The post from 2 years ago was right after we lost Patty. Funny how 2 years later those lyrics are still relevant.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've also been able to save emails (duh), texts and voicemails. The following link is to one of the many voicemails I've gotten from her: <a href="https://soundcloud.com/sarlee86/voicemail-from-mom-on-2013-05-16-210728/s-BEeNf">Mom</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hearing her voice can be painful sometimes, but then there are times when I crave it and I'm glad I have it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sometimes it feels like she's in Monroeville, sitting on the couch catching up on HGTV with my old laptop in her lap finishing up another picture book on SnapFish. On the bad days, I imagine that's exactly where she is. Except she's not sick. Who knows, maybe that's what she's doing in heaven. I imagine we'll have a lot of picture books to look through when we get there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Wish you were here. Wish we were together. I love you. </span></div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-36193782224942153682015-05-10T17:33:00.000-05:002015-05-10T17:33:31.090-05:00TodayMother's Day was created for mothers like mine. To remind you of their selflessness, love, support, and care. My mom was the most selfless. She loved with all she had, supported in every way, and cared for you more than herself. We didn't have to be reminded, she showed it everyday. However, it's still hard to imagine today without her, but here I am, being forced to.<br />
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She feels close and far away. I can feel her sitting beside me as I type this, but she's far away when I reach for her hand. When I want to call her. When I just want to be with her. We got really good at just being towards the end. I went home a lot the last months of her life. And we mostly just sat together. HGTV was usually on the TV (her favorite), but I don't think either of us were really watching. We were just being. I'm going to miss that more than I realized I would.<br />
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How do you make it in a world without your mom? Without my mom? I'm guessing the answer to that question is one of the worst answers of all: you just do. It still hasn't been 30 days without her and it feels like it was 6 months ago...it feels like yesterday.<br />
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Here's to you. I wish you were here. I feel like you should be able to visit your mom in Heaven on Mother's Day. Seems cruel that you can't. I love you, and I hope you have the absolute best Mother's day...because you were the absolute best...<br />
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There are also a couple other mothers I can't leave without mentioning...my sisters. Being on this journey would be absolutely unbearable if I didn't have them. Not just siblings. But these specific ones. These sisters. Wish we didn't have to do this, but I'm glad we're together. I love you girls. And know that you are fantastic mothers. You learned from the best (have I said before that I our mom was the best? Because she was).</div>
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And last, but certainly not least...today has been 12 years without Adam. I'm glad my mom is getting to see you after all these years.<br />
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Losing Adam has prepared me in certain ways for the loss of my mom. There are A LOT of differences in those losses, but when Adam died I felt like I would never be happy again. After 12 years, I have found some happiness. There are still some bad days, but they've spaced out more and more. I have faith that the same will happen with my mom. It's different (as a child, and daughter, there's nothing like losing your mom), and it'll probably take a lot longer, but the faith is there. It's small, but it's there (Matthew 17:20).<br />
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I have to say, when I started today, I wished that Mother's Day had been canceled. Then I remembered that there are a lot of people out there that still have their mother, and that wouldn't be fair. I also have faith that one day Mother's Day will bring more smiles to my face than tears to my eyes. To all of you that still have your mother: Call her. Hug her. Some of us don't have that privilege with our own anymore.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-16701111034450976092015-05-05T02:38:00.001-05:002015-05-05T02:38:28.953-05:00This is me surviving<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've always been somewhat of an open book when it came to my blog. I haven't written in a while for obvious reasons as well as some not so obvious reasons. This post is more focused on what I'm going through. How I feel. This is the beginning of a long journey. One that I never wanted to be on, but sometimes (most times) we just don't have any other choice but to survive. This is me surviving. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It has been almost 3 months since this...(Valentine's Day weekend 2015)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Why did everything happen so fast? Why did everything move so slow?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My grief causes me to want both and neither at the same time. I want that person to tell me how sorry they are for my loss, but as soon as they do I wish they hadn't. I want people to keep sending me sympathy cards because as soon as they stop it'll feel like everyone has moved on. But every time I read a card, I get sad. I want attention, I want to be invisible.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's exhausting and frustrating. I feel heavy and empty at the same time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm having a hard time picturing heaven. Ever since Adam died, maybe even before then, I would imagine heaven. In my early years, it involved a lot of stuff. From everyone having mansions and nice cars to it being just a permanent vacation in the mountains or beach. More recently, and for what feels like longer, it was just an open room. A lot of white. No ceiling or walls and just people. And peace. So much peace. I could see my loved ones that went before me being together. Either meeting for the first time, or catching up from the last time they spoke. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">After April 12th, it's nothing. I still see the open room and all the white, but then nothing. No people. No Mom. I've never felt further from heaven. I don't necessarily feel far from God. Just heaven. Not sure of the difference (if any) and what it means.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Mayim Bialik (actress who played Blossom and much more recently, Amy Farrah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory). Said something recently about the loss of her father. It might come off as harsh to some, but it has stuck with me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"<span style="background-color: white;">For those of you who have lost a parent, you know how I feel. You tell me you do. </span><span style="background-color: white;">For those of you who have lost someone else you were close to, you also tell me you know how I feel. </span><span style="background-color: white;">But you don’t. Because you’re not me losing my Abba."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">(source: </span>http://www.kveller.com/mayim-bialik-mourning-my-fathers-death/)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Every single person's loss is different. Sometimes it can be cathartic to talk to people with similar tragedies. But sometimes, well, you just don't wanna talk at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Grief is a narrow, winding road. Only I can see what's coming next, not the person who may be walking with me. Which is terrifying because at the same time I can't see what's coming next. Everyday I wake up not knowing how I am going to feel. And for right now, everyday I wake up and I have to remind myself that's she's gone. Sometimes it takes a minute. Sometimes it's instant. Both times it's painful.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I can't say I feel completely hopeless. It's hard to feel completely hopeless after all the borrowed time I got with my mom (seriously, 8 years of stage 4 colon cancer? Wow.) But it sneaks in sometimes late at night, and sometimes in the middle of the day. But then, Mom sneaks in. It might be a happy or sad memory, but it's there. It fights off the hopelessness. Which is just like Mom. Sneaking in to save the day. And to remind me that I am loved.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"There's a part of me that thinks perhaps we go on existing in a place even after we've left it." - Colum McCann</span></div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-78772725531061824552014-11-22T23:22:00.000-06:002014-11-22T23:22:56.605-06:00Unexpected travelI have been in the car 5 days out of the last 10. I am exhausted. I am currently in a hotel in Troy, AL. There is something refeshing about staying in hotel by youself. Even if only for a night. At least it is for me. It's like getting take a small vacation from my life. Even if I am exhausted.<div>
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Over the past few days, I have learned that you don't get to choose your family. Well, I've actually always known that. What I really learned is that I'm glad I didn't. I know I would have chosen wrong. Even if I had been given multiple chances to choose.</div>
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The reason I'm in a hotel in Troy, AL. is because something pretty special is happening tomorrow. My sister and her family are joining the Methodist church and my neice is getting baptized. It's a pretty big deal, and I am really happy that I'm able to be here for them.</div>
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Life is precious. You only get so much time with the people you love. So, in the midst of your exhaustion, or frustration, or whatever, take the time to be there for the ones you love. Our days are numbered the moment we come into this world. And seeing as how we don't know how many we get, we should probably take advantage of today. </div>
Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-15184741671912415762014-07-01T00:00:00.000-05:002014-07-01T00:00:23.855-05:00Party of OneAh, the single life. I must say, I've gotten pretty good at it. Which makes sense, seeing as how I've had a lot of practice. I even have a cat. Just one though. I have gone on dates here and there, but for whatever reason, it hasn't worked out. I'm okay with that...most of the time.<br />
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I gotta admit though, it feels like everywhere I look people are married, dating, having babies, etc. I notice in a lot of commercials that most people have wedding bands on (to be fair, I am a closet wedding ring checker. I do it to everyone...even people that I know are married). And then Facebook is out of control with marriage and babies (which are all adorable and I'd be really sad if I didn't get to see all the pictures of weddings I've missed and growing babies). I also want to admit that it might feel like everywhere I look people are married because I am single. That is absolutely possible, but either way, here I am.<br />
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I believe there is something overwhelmingly special about finding the one you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. On the flip side of that, I think there is something overwhelmingly special about being single. God has given you the task of traveling through this life without that other person. For some that might seem incredibly lonely. Yeah, it can be, but there's also a little more freedom. Some times you're just forced to find the good in whatever situation you're in. If you don't try, you'll just be miserable all the time.<br />
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I have issues. I have baggage. God knows I'm not (and may never be) ready to find the one. At some point I have to be okay with that. Otherwise, I'll always be looking for the one, and I'll miss out on experiences right in front of me.<br />
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May was a tough month. I lost Adam 11 years ago on the 10th. My dear friend Patty left us 365 days ago on the 19th. Some days I'd give anything to be where they are, but I have to keep reminding myself that God is trusting me down here. For whatever reason, this "party of one" has got to keep moving forward. And if I'm really being honest, "party of one" is a little harsh. With my family and my friends, it's more like "party of 1 and guests".Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-87815148805916472082014-06-07T03:20:00.000-05:002014-06-07T03:20:50.891-05:00"'Tis better to have loved and lost......than never to have loved at all." I'll respond differently to that statement depending on when it is presented to me. One day, I might say, "No doubt about it. I wouldn't change a thing." Another day, I might say, "I'd give anything to be able to forget. Just wipe my memory." It really does depend on the day, but I can guarantee that more often than not, it's the first answer. Tragedy, greif, etc. make you who you are. "Pain demands to be felt." - John Green, <i>The Fault in Our Stars. </i>To try and take that feeling away would inevitably change you all the more, and I think maybe for the worse. At least, in my case, I believe that.<br />
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I have missed Adam more than usual today. Which now that I think about it...how do you measure missing someone? It's hard for me to measure something that doesn't involve a ruler or measuring cup. I think instead of measuring it, you describe it. For example, I missed him today, but was happy and smiled at every memory. Or I missed him today and was sad during every memory. Or mad. Not sure if that was necessary to get into, but here we are.<br />
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After 11+ years, I have more made-up memories of what it would have been like if he were here than of when he was actually here. All of my daydreams about how our life would be like had he lived are much more vivid than what our life was actually like. It's sad most of the time, but in the midst of my imagining it, it's nothing but happy.<br />
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With all that's happening right now it's nice to imagine what it would be like if Adam were here. How comforting he would be. How supportive. How understanding. But as soon as that imaginative, little bubble above my head bursts, the sadness overwhelms me. I'm reminded that I don't know anything about how he would be now. He'd be 29 next month, and I don't know anything about him. I can't even recall his voice now. That might be the hardest part...just not knowing who he could have been. He could've been great. He was great.<br />
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After these moments pass, I remember it's been 11 years and I return to being thankful that I had any time with him at all. No matter how short. Some days I'm convinced I'll never find love like that again, but the fact that I had that kind of love at all should be enough. Some days it is, but some days...it's just not.<br />
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"That was the thing. You never got used it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again..." - Sarah Dessen, <i>The Truth About Forever</i>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-72659334304077033412014-03-26T02:13:00.000-05:002014-03-26T02:13:30.459-05:00A Work in ProgressLet's talk about where I've been...<br />
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Right here. Living my life. Working. Hanging out with friends/family.<br />
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Somewhere along the way, I felt like I had nothing "blogworthy" to mention. My days are filled with sleep, work, and a handful of friends. A lot of it feels like I'm living the same day over and over again but with different conversations. Part of me thinks that's rather depressing. The other part of me enjoys the repetition. It's kind of like a comfort zone for me. Comfort zones can be good for a little while. But then at some point (and without me every really noticing) it became a hole. A deep hole. My so called "comfort zone" made me uncomfortable almost everywhere else. I felt so different from everyone. Conversations with people I didn't know very well were painful. My social skills in situations that were not part of my "normal every day" were completely faked. It became exhausting to carry on a 10 minute conversation. I wanted to be mean to everyone, and I was a few times. I am not a mean person. I do not like to be mean. Even if you're mean to me, I'm just gonna throw kindness all up in your face. I'll vent about it to a friend, then move on. But it's been different lately. I haven't been able to move on (I just re-read this paragraph...yikes. This is not who I want to be).<br />
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So, what am I going to do about it? Well, I joined a co-ed softball league. I'm having a great time (we're 3-0, by the way). I've got to get away from work occasionally. It has been so challenging lately. I spend 90% of my time thinking about the LH, and the other 10% stressed out because I'm always working. This is not me asking for more time off (I'm leaving for the beach today (Wednesday) and staying until Sunday). I'm telling myself to let it go (most of you thought of the movie "Frozen" when you read "let it go" didn't you? And if you didn't, you are now, and now you're singing it, like I am, aren't you?...You're welcome). I've got an extremely capable assistant as well as an intern. I never realized how much of a control freak I was until this job.<br />
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Now, what's next? Who in the heck knows. I keep looking for a manual (like a "Life for Dummies" kind of thing). Life just gets more complicated the older I get, and as negative as that sounds, there have been some positives:<br />
I've learned so much about myself over the last few years...<br />
I've learned how strong I am (even when I'm at my weakest).<br />
I've learned to trust my relationship with God. I don't go to church, which is really hard for people to understand. I claim to be a Christian and I work at a church. So, what in the world do I do on Sundays?...Hey people, why don't you let me worry about that.<br />
I've learned who my true friends are, and how much I depend on my family.<br />
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Everyday I'm working on me. I think that one day I'll look back and realize how important these past few years have been. As hard as they've been, they've been worth it. And hopefully at that point I'll know who I am, my purpose, and be happy with it.<br />
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I'm just a work in progress. And I'm okay with that.<br />
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<br />Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-9418075654272962652013-12-24T00:32:00.001-06:002013-12-24T00:34:12.353-06:00This was a tough one...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I remember creating this collage. I remember going through all of the pictures in my library to find the perfect ones of the kids. I already knew which group picture I would use. We had taken it Christmas Eve. I knew the Bible verse I was going to put with it. What I didn't know was how wrong I was when I chose "2013 is definitely going to be a good year!"</div>
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It has been such a challenging year. I've learned some things about myself. Some good. Some not so good. I've learned some things about friends. Some good. Some not so good. I've lost some people. People that I never thought I'd lose, in ways that seem absolutely unreal. </div>
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I have withdrawn a bit from reality when it's possible. It feels safer that way sometimes. But man, is it lonely. </div>
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"We are so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains." - Kevin Breel (Confessions of a Depressed Comic). Depression is real, and feeling ashamed about it is a wasted emotion. I have been battling depression since Adam died. In recent years it took someone telling me to make me realize that it's still there. I was so concerned about being able to say, "I beat it." that I jumped the gun a little. I wished for myself to be on the other side of this fight, that I just put it away. I ignored it. Which, like most things do when you just ignore them, they got worse. </div>
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But here I am. Battered and bruised, but here. I'm not always happy, but I'm not always sad either. I surround myself with people that make me better, even if it's only in the moments that we're together. </div>
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A few weeks ago a made a list of all the negative things about myself. Each line started with, "I am someone who...". Most of these things no one knows. My thought was if I put it down somewhere I'd feel a little better. But when I finished it and read it, it kind of made me feel worse. But then I held a sheet of paper up to the screen so the only words I could see were, "I am someone." And I am. I am someone. I am someone who is still here. I will not go until I am called Home. </div>
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Through all of this, I have seen friends turn into family. I have realized that I could not have hand picked a better family if God had given me the chance. I've learned that no matter how hard something is, it's okay to be sad about it. It's okay to get mad. It's okay to not be okay. Times have been hard, but they have been good too.</div>
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My mother, who has been battling colon cancer since 2007, is still here. And doing well. I can still call her on the phone. We can still visit. I'll be spending another Christmas with her. </div>
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(Iron Bowl 2013...War Eagle)</div>
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My oldest sister is expecting a little girl. So excited about adding another girl to this crazy mix.</div>
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(His shirt says "Big Brother")</div>
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My middle sister has kids that are crazy and adorable. </div>
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My friends are starting to have kids. Which is a little weird, but so amazing. In all honesty, it's weird because I'm just realizing how old we are. Old enough to have kids on purpose...weird.</div>
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I found an assistant who is fantastic (but don't tell him I said so). </div>
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Umm, Auburn football came out of nowhere and it has been such a fun season.</div>
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This world can be scary, and dark and full of sadness. But it can also be comforting, and bright and full of happiness. And it's the latter that should keep us holding on.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMiIjne45w0uvHikDwuTKE14QtGEf-wj1FsFrsTMuev2ZtMjaal03MU42lX6lS0YVaq8icJABMMdejncwqXAw4uy4exfxI0GYjkjw-icrWw0UYrB05YZfUXV7QviyJeKvBqgsHGSuAoDE/s1600/Auburn+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMiIjne45w0uvHikDwuTKE14QtGEf-wj1FsFrsTMuev2ZtMjaal03MU42lX6lS0YVaq8icJABMMdejncwqXAw4uy4exfxI0GYjkjw-icrWw0UYrB05YZfUXV7QviyJeKvBqgsHGSuAoDE/s1600/Auburn+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8314981895549390668.post-38656522078816128602013-08-27T23:29:00.000-05:002013-08-27T23:29:46.706-05:00Top 5 Tuesday (50)Finally, I know. My life has changed so much since we last spoke. Some good, some bad. Not sure where I am, which is all the more reason I should pick this back up.<br />
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1. Discovery weekend. What a blessing. The week leading up to it I was not excited at all. I had so much to do the week before it happened and the week after. I fought the urge to drop out just about everyday. Discovery has a tendency to do that. You know it's going to be a long week, so you dread it a little. But once it starts, you don't want it to stop. I can't even put into words how much I needed it. My job is to lead kids to Christ. In the end, I usually get more out of what I do than the kids do. It's not the plan, but it's how it all works out. It's the nature of the job. You don't always know the good that you do. But it's there. You just have to believe.<br />
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2. Can I brag on my coworkers/friends again? I feel like I do all the time, but it's because they're so good to me. I'm so glad I don't work with people that I just want to leave at work. I'd hang out with them after work all the time if life allowed it. I can't imagine being anywhere else with anyone else.<br />
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3. I got an assistant, and I can't even tell you how great he is. His ability to do things that need to be done without being told is fabulous. I was getting really close to being burnt out, but he came in and has saved the day. If you read this, Austin, don't let it go to your head. But thank you. For real.<br />
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4. Hey, I moved. I bought a townhouse on the Cahaba River. Here's a picture that a lot of people have seen, but it's all I've got right now. My new backyard...<br />
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5. This week is Labor Day. Thank you, Lord. In this job, I take breaks and holidays seriously. They're so few and far between, that you really have to appreciate that time you have off. God always knows what I need when I need it.</div>
<br />Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08081952437830651358noreply@blogger.com1