Still meant to be.

If the ability to bring Adam back depended on how many people loved and missed him, he would have come back the moment he left. However, after 9 years I know I wouldn't bring him back if I had the chance. Heaven is where he's belonged since he was called home. It took me a long, long time to get here, and I honestly never thought I'd make it this far. Some days are harder than others, but the good outweighs the bad more often than not now. I cannot imagine who I'd be had I never known him and never lost him. I also cannot imagine where I'd be. I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". God keeps reminding me how true that is everyday.

Still after 9 years, it's hard for me to talk about how Adam's death affected me. But at the same time, I wouldn't be who I am had it not happened. I always want to write about the aftermath (even 9 years later) with the hopes that someone who is dealing with any kind of loss will know that it does get better. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to be mad, as long as you can find your way out of it. Lean on the people who love and care about you. Sometimes it's not even talking about the issue. Sometimes it's just about spending time with them. They don't even need to know you're upset, you just need to be around people. Other times, you just need to let go. Cry, scream, be silent. Whatever it is, it's going to be okay. Most importantly, lean on God. He is the only one who can fix things. He is the only one who knows EXACTLY how you feel. God knows and understands your heart. Tell Him how you feel.

In (somewhat ashamed) honesty, I still get mad at Him sometimes. But for me it's like being mad at your best friend. I remember back when I was in high school, my best friend and I got in a fight. Of course now I can't remember what it was about, but we weren't talking at the time. The hardest part wasn't how mad I was at her or how mad she was at me, it was that we weren't talking. The one person I tell everything to, the one person who could fix my problems with one sentence, and the one person that could make me laugh just by looking at me was no longer speaking to me. That was the worst part. That's how I feel when I get mad at God. What's worse is He's not the one that's not talking to me. I'm not talking to Him. It never does any good so it never lasts long. 

In the end I know without a doubt that it happened for a reason. But I'm human so sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Whenever I'm in that deep dark place where I'm mad at God I think of the fact that He gave me Adam to begin with. He could have not given him to me at all. Or He could have taken him sooner. I see a picture of him today and my heart still skips a beat. I hear someone say the name "Adam" and his face pops into my head. I can't even control it. But I have to smile. I have to be happy. Otherwise you can get lost in the sadness and it's harder to get out then it was to get in. 

Since Adam's death so many good things have happened to me. I graduated from high school and college (the latter of which I never thought would happen). I've got a pretty sweet job. I've met a lot of great people as well as rekindled some old friendships. And I've met my niece and nephews. All of which who are so extremely adorable. I would have missed all of this had I let that deep dark sadness get the best of me. Adam would have wanted me happy. So I'm doing my best. But most importantly, God wants me to be happy. He's given me so much that I can't let it go unnoticed. I can't be sad when He's given me so much to be happy about.

The problem is that when something terrible happens you don't even think about all of the good stuff that could happen in the future. You're stuck in the present tragedy. But that's why you have to hold on. You have to keep going. Even if you're holding on one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.  That's okay. Next week could be awesome. Next month could be great. Next year could be spectacular. Keep holding on. 

To Adam, if you can read blogs in heaven please know that you made me so happy. I honestly feel like if you were still here we'd be living our own "happily ever after". But your time came before mine and THAT is the way it was meant to be. I've never stopped loving you and I never will, and we'll see each other again someday. 

And finally, God. Thank you. I don't know how I could be anything but thankful. Words cannot express all that You have given (and continue to give) me. Thank you for sending me the people (my parents, sisters, family and friends) and events that made me want to stick around and have made me happier than I ever thought I could be.

Ansel Adam "Pink" Knight

July 20, 1985 - May 10, 2003