This was a tough one...

I remember creating this collage. I remember going through all of the pictures in my library to find the perfect ones of the kids. I already knew which group picture I would use. We had taken it Christmas Eve. I knew the Bible verse I was going to put with it. What I didn't know was how wrong I was when I chose "2013 is definitely going to be a good year!"

It has been such a challenging year. I've learned some things about myself. Some good. Some not so good. I've learned some things about friends. Some good. Some not so good. I've lost some people. People that I never thought I'd lose, in ways that seem absolutely unreal. 

I have withdrawn a bit from reality when it's possible. It feels safer that way sometimes. But man, is it lonely. 

"We are so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains." - Kevin Breel (Confessions of a Depressed Comic). Depression is real, and feeling ashamed about it is a wasted emotion. I have been battling depression since Adam died. In recent years it took someone telling me to make me realize that it's still there. I was so concerned about being able to say, "I beat it." that I jumped the gun a little. I wished for myself to be on the other side of this fight, that I just put it away. I ignored it. Which, like most things do when you just ignore them, they got worse. 

But here I am. Battered and bruised, but here. I'm not always happy, but I'm not always sad either. I surround myself with people that make me better, even if it's only in the moments that we're together. 

A few weeks ago a made a list of all the negative things about myself. Each line started with, "I am someone who...". Most of these things no one knows. My thought was if I put it down somewhere I'd feel a little better. But when I finished it and read it, it kind of made me feel worse. But then I held a sheet of paper up to the screen so the only words I could see were, "I am someone." And I am. I am someone. I am someone who is still here. I will not go until I am called Home.   

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Through all of this, I have seen friends turn into family. I have realized that I could not have hand picked a better family if God had given me the chance. I've learned that no matter how hard something is, it's okay to be sad about it. It's okay to get mad. It's okay to not be okay. Times have been hard, but they have been good too.

My mother, who has been battling colon cancer since 2007, is still here. And doing well. I can still call her on the phone. We can still visit. I'll be spending another Christmas with her. 

(Iron Bowl 2013...War Eagle)

My oldest sister is expecting a little girl. So excited about adding another girl to this crazy mix.

(His shirt says "Big Brother")

My middle sister has kids that are crazy and adorable. 

My friends are starting to have kids. Which is a little weird, but so amazing. In all honesty, it's weird because I'm just realizing how old we are. Old enough to have kids on purpose...weird.

I found an assistant who is fantastic (but don't tell him I said so). 

Umm, Auburn football came out of nowhere and it has been such a fun season.

This world can be scary, and dark and full of sadness. But it can also be comforting, and bright and full of happiness. And it's the latter that should keep us holding on.