"'Tis better to have loved and lost...
...than never to have loved at all." I'll respond differently to that statement depending on when it is presented to me. One day, I might say, "No doubt about it. I wouldn't change a thing." Another day, I might say, "I'd give anything to be able to forget. Just wipe my memory." It really does depend on the day, but I can guarantee that more often than not, it's the first answer. Tragedy, greif, etc. make you who you are. "Pain demands to be felt." - John Green, The Fault in Our Stars. To try and take that feeling away would inevitably change you all the more, and I think maybe for the worse. At least, in my case, I believe that.
I have missed Adam more than usual today. Which now that I think about it...how do you measure missing someone? It's hard for me to measure something that doesn't involve a ruler or measuring cup. I think instead of measuring it, you describe it. For example, I missed him today, but was happy and smiled at every memory. Or I missed him today and was sad during every memory. Or mad. Not sure if that was necessary to get into, but here we are.
After 11+ years, I have more made-up memories of what it would have been like if he were here than of when he was actually here. All of my daydreams about how our life would be like had he lived are much more vivid than what our life was actually like. It's sad most of the time, but in the midst of my imagining it, it's nothing but happy.
With all that's happening right now it's nice to imagine what it would be like if Adam were here. How comforting he would be. How supportive. How understanding. But as soon as that imaginative, little bubble above my head bursts, the sadness overwhelms me. I'm reminded that I don't know anything about how he would be now. He'd be 29 next month, and I don't know anything about him. I can't even recall his voice now. That might be the hardest part...just not knowing who he could have been. He could've been great. He was great.
After these moments pass, I remember it's been 11 years and I return to being thankful that I had any time with him at all. No matter how short. Some days I'm convinced I'll never find love like that again, but the fact that I had that kind of love at all should be enough. Some days it is, but some days...it's just not.
"That was the thing. You never got used it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again..." - Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever
I have missed Adam more than usual today. Which now that I think about it...how do you measure missing someone? It's hard for me to measure something that doesn't involve a ruler or measuring cup. I think instead of measuring it, you describe it. For example, I missed him today, but was happy and smiled at every memory. Or I missed him today and was sad during every memory. Or mad. Not sure if that was necessary to get into, but here we are.
After 11+ years, I have more made-up memories of what it would have been like if he were here than of when he was actually here. All of my daydreams about how our life would be like had he lived are much more vivid than what our life was actually like. It's sad most of the time, but in the midst of my imagining it, it's nothing but happy.
With all that's happening right now it's nice to imagine what it would be like if Adam were here. How comforting he would be. How supportive. How understanding. But as soon as that imaginative, little bubble above my head bursts, the sadness overwhelms me. I'm reminded that I don't know anything about how he would be now. He'd be 29 next month, and I don't know anything about him. I can't even recall his voice now. That might be the hardest part...just not knowing who he could have been. He could've been great. He was great.
After these moments pass, I remember it's been 11 years and I return to being thankful that I had any time with him at all. No matter how short. Some days I'm convinced I'll never find love like that again, but the fact that I had that kind of love at all should be enough. Some days it is, but some days...it's just not.
"That was the thing. You never got used it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again..." - Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever
With you in prayer today.
ReplyDelete“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
― Anne Lamott
Thank you so much. It's so weird you post that. I read that quote recently and was contemplating putting that one in.
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