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Showing posts from 2015

Pre-Holiday

I wanted to take the time to talk about how I'm feeling before the holidays. Then, after the holidays I'll go over how it actually went.
This is mostly for me. I have a lot of anxiety about the holidays this year. My mother was always such huge presence. Her not being here is making me want to skip them all together. I want to put my head in the sand and just let it all pass me by swiftly. 
Thanksgiving was always an important holiday. We always knew how thankful and grateful we should be for what who we have. Especially in the last 8 years. We would normally spend Thanksgiving in Monroeville. Mom would spend the day Wednesday (and I'm sure Monday and Tuesday, too) preparing. Most of us could make it home by Wednesday night. Once the kids were put to bed, we would sit around and talk. Some years we played games. We just spent time together. It was one of my favorite holidays. Not as crazy as Christmas, but with just as much food. 
This year, we will be spending Thanksgivin…

Six months...and counting

As I'm starting this, it will have been six months since my mother died in about 4 hours. We'll see how long it takes me to get through this.

Dates have always been a thing for me. I'm pretty good at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but I can't for the life of me remember what I ate for dinner a 3 nights ago. Anyway, dates, they're a big deal. Which is why I'm here...

6 months without her. That's 183 days. 183 days without the woman that carried me through life. For 28 years of my life I let her carry me. If I could go back I wouldn't change anything, but it has made it harder without her. It's hard to decipher between what I want and what I think she would want for me. What I've decided is that as long as I'm happy, she'd be happy for me. That's what she would want...for me to just be happy. It's just weird trying to figure out life without her.

The last 6 months I've learned a lot about myself. Which has been gre…

This Thing Called (My) Grief

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while we live." - Norman Cousins

Actually, I feel more this way: One of the greatest losses in life is not only death, but also what dies inside of the people left behind.

Death, for me, has caused sadness, confusion, anger, regret, disappointment, frustration, depression, highs, lows, hopelessness and a whole bunch of other emotions that could take up this endless page.

In case you don't know the stages of grief, here they are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I never had a problem with the way these were listed until I had to experience grief myself. My "stages" of grief would be listed more like this:

In alphabetical order (because grief has made me even more OCD):
-Acceptance
-Anger
-Bargaining
-Denial
-Depression

-Plus many, many more. For some reason, someone decided to stop at 5. Maybe they got tired of writing. Or maybe whoever it was, was going through some stag…

Late Night Rambling

When I was told in January that my mom had 6 months to a year left, I really put a lot of hope into that timeframe. I didn't set my sites on January 2016, I set it on the minimum...6 months. Which would have been this month. As most of you know, things did not go as planned and she's been gone for over 3 months.

In all my life I only remember her being sick once, and that was when she found out after 40+ years that she was allergic to shrimp. I remember how sad she was (and continued to be) when she couldn't eat shrimp. It was one of her favorites. She finally got to a place where she would pick the 2 (sometimes 3) biggest shrimp from the group and eat those and be fine. But any more was really playing with fire.

I had 28 years of her being my mom. I got really lucky in that somewhere along the way, my mom became my best friend. And if I'm being honest it was probably somewhere in the middle of my college years. Right around the time of her diagnosis. It really wasn…

Blurred, Fogged, and Broken

Fair warning...honesty and sadness ahead.

It's an odd feeling to go on existing when the person that brought you into existence is no longer existing. It's strange to learn new things about the world or people and not be able to tell them. Or to move forward in time while they are stuck, standing still. And it's an odd feeling to know something is coming and still feel blindsided when it does.

Grief for me has a tendency of causing odd, unexplainable feelings. Which makes it harder for me to communicate to people how I feel. I wish there was a word that could describe what it felt like to lose a parent. My parent. A constant parent. My mother was my constant, and as soon as she was gone, I felt gone too.

The truth is, I believe, that no matter how much you love a person, and no matter how much you think you can't, you actually CAN live without them. The problem is that you don't WANT to. It's hard to get that "want" back. I like to think that it event…

Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning.

I learned pretty early in the life that no one lives forever. And just because you learn it early, it doesn't make it any easier when you're reminded of it.

I miss her on Sundays the most. I don't know if it's because that's the day she died, or if it's because we always talked on Sunday. Maybe a little of both. More often than not, I'm off on Sundays (excluding flag football season). It was always our day to catch up. The last few months of her life, I'd call her as I was leaving church. She'd always answer. I miss that. I miss it every Sunday. I guess I really miss it everyday.
This was posted a year ago...

And this was posted 2 years ago...

Social media really can be a great comfort. I know there are people in the world that don't use it for good, but I'm so glad I have it. The Timehop app is a blessing and a curse. It reminded me about the 2 pictures above. Nice to know that a year ago I was sitting in the den with my mom. She was doing well…

Today

Mother's Day was created for mothers like mine. To remind you of their selflessness, love, support, and care. My mom was the most selfless. She loved with all she had, supported in every way, and cared for you more than herself. We didn't have to be reminded, she showed it everyday. However, it's still hard to imagine today without her, but here I am, being forced to.

She feels close and far away. I can feel her sitting beside me as I type this, but she's far away when I reach for her hand. When I want to call her. When I just want to be with her. We got really good at just being towards the end. I went home a lot the last months of her life. And we mostly just sat together. HGTV was usually on the TV (her favorite), but I don't think either of us were really watching. We were just being. I'm going to miss that more than I realized I would.

How do you make it in a world without your mom? Without my mom? I'm guessing the answer to that question is one of the…

This is me surviving

I've always been somewhat of an open book when it came to my blog. I haven't written in a while for obvious reasons as well as some not so obvious reasons. This post is more focused on what I'm going through. How I feel. This is the beginning of a long journey. One that I never wanted to be on, but sometimes (most times) we just don't have any other choice but to survive. This is me surviving.





It has been almost 3 months since this...(Valentine's Day weekend 2015)




Why did everything happen so fast? Why did everything move so slow?
My grief causes me to want both and neither at the same time. I want that person to tell me how sorry they are for my loss, but as soon as they do I wish they hadn't. I want people to keep sending me sympathy cards because as soon as they stop it'll feel like everyone has moved on. But every time I read a card, I get sad. I want attention, I want to be invisible.
It's exhausting and frustrating. I feel heavy and empty at the same…