This Thing Called (My) Grief

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while we live." - Norman Cousins

Actually, I feel more this way: One of the greatest losses in life is not only death, but also what dies inside of the people left behind.

Death, for me, has caused sadness, confusion, anger, regret, disappointment, frustration, depression, highs, lows, hopelessness and a whole bunch of other emotions that could take up this endless page.

In case you don't know the stages of grief, here they are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I never had a problem with the way these were listed until I had to experience grief myself. My "stages" of grief would be listed more like this:

In alphabetical order (because grief has made me even more OCD):
-Acceptance
-Anger
-Bargaining
-Denial
-Depression

-Plus many, many more. For some reason, someone decided to stop at 5. Maybe they got tired of writing. Or maybe whoever it was, was going through some stage of grief and after 5 they just realized, "Hey, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm gonna go take a nap." Then someone else found the list and gave it to someone important and well, here we are. Grief cannot be limited to 5 stages, and it can't be in any order. Otherwise, I'm grieving wrong. (Spoiler: there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone is different, which means everyone grieves differently). 

It would then be accompanied by this cool (all I had was Microsoft Word, so don't judge me) graphic:

I have experienced all of these numerous times. They have overlapped many times, and most of my emotions aren't even mentioned in that circle (that's why there's the "many, many more" line).

This last week has been overwhelmingly hard, and not for any particular reason. Maybe it's just the longer I have to go without my mom, the more moments she can't physically be here for, well, the harder it gets. 

Don't pity me, just love me. I have no idea what I need or want right now other than love. Even if it may seem like I don't want love. And while I know you'll probably tell me I don't need to, I'm going to apologize. Not because I'm going through this, but for people, especially my closest friends, having to walk this with me. I can't remember most things lately. I'm getting frustrated and tired much quicker these days. I'm also sorry for anything you don't understand. Chances are I don't understand it either. It's just how I feel. I am a people pleaser, and it's been hard feeling like I can't do that. Like I'm bringing everyone around me down, whether it's true or not, I can't shake that feeling. Which plays a lot into me keeping to myself most days.

I didn't write this to make anyone worry. I wrote it because maybe someone else is going through this as the griever or grievee...I think I just made that word up...maybe it should read: as the griever or the friend/family member. Maybe it'll help. Also, writing is an outlet for me. So don't worry, I do this for me, too. 

Thanks for the love and support. It does not go unnoticed.

And because everyone (especially my mom) loves pictures...

**Disclaimer: these are my personal experiences (obviously, this is my blog). I do not pretend to be a doctor or know everything about grief, depression, etc.**