A new beginning...

I want to get personal for a moment. I know this is a public blog, and anyone can read it. In some ways some people may see that as a bad thing because I’m telling my personal problems to everyone. Part of me understands where those people are coming from. The other part of me thinks of the people who might be going through the same things as I am and maybe it’ll be comforting for them to know that they’re not the only one with problems…

This post is not going to flow at all. I’m just typing as things come to me. So, please bear with me…

First of all, where did this come from? Well, I’ve been struggling for a long time with many different things. The death of my boyfriend being one. It’s hard to lose someone you love, no matter what the circumstances. Immediately after he died, I was angry and blamed God. I was young too. My anger was very hateful in the beginning, but God has stood by my side through it all. Over the years, my anger towards God has fluctuated. Every now and then I think I’m over it and have moved on. But when it comes back, all of the memories and things I felt when I lost Adam hit me. I try my best to remember the good times we had, but it doesn’t always work. There is way, way more to the story, but I don’t want to get into all of it right now. In a nutshell, it really does all go back to the death of Adam. In some ways it has taught me things. But in some ways, it has broken me. I’m still trying to deal with it. And I know that the only way I will be able to, is if my anger towards God goes away completely. So, here we go…

For the longest time I thought I knew where I was going when I died. Recently, I had a conversation with a very close friend and it made me realize that I’m not even close to getting into heaven. I’ve always felt like I was a pretty good person, and that would be enough. It’s not. I find myself not talking about God too much because I really don’t know that much. I don’t know much about the Bible. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it is the truth. I used to say I was a lukewarm Christian, which isn’t a good thing to be to begin with, but now I don’t even think I can say that about myself. I do believe in God very much. That’s a start, but it’s not enough.

My first step is going to be to find a church. I haven’t been to church in so long it’s ridiculous. I’m just going to take it one step at a time. My problem is that I usually have a great idea, but I never stick to it. But guess what? You can help. Just pray for me. You may think that’s not doing a lot, but it’ll do more than you know. I know this is not going to be like a one-week thing. It’s going to be a hard, long journey. But in the end, it’ll all be worth it.

I’ll elaborate more on this as it happens. Thank you for reading. And thank you for caring and praying, for those who do so.