Pre-Holiday

I wanted to take the time to talk about how I'm feeling before the holidays. Then, after the holidays I'll go over how it actually went.

This is mostly for me. I have a lot of anxiety about the holidays this year. My mother was always such huge presence. Her not being here is making me want to skip them all together. I want to put my head in the sand and just let it all pass me by swiftly. 

Thanksgiving was always an important holiday. We always knew how thankful and grateful we should be for what who we have. Especially in the last 8 years. We would normally spend Thanksgiving in Monroeville. Mom would spend the day Wednesday (and I'm sure Monday and Tuesday, too) preparing. Most of us could make it home by Wednesday night. Once the kids were put to bed, we would sit around and talk. Some years we played games. We just spent time together. It was one of my favorite holidays. Not as crazy as Christmas, but with just as much food. 

This year, we will be spending Thanksgiving in Birmingham at my sister's. If Mom were here, I would love to be doing this. It would mean I'd get to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't have to drive south on the disaster known as I-65. We'd be together and that's all that would matter. Now there's the fear of looking at the couch, or at a chair where someone should be but isn't. The fear of missing out on conversations we could have had if she were here. It's enough to make you want to run and hide. It's crippling.

But here we are. Being forced to figure it out. Being forced to make it work. I suppose that's just the norm since April. Maybe it won't be forever. Here's hoping.

Thanksgiving 2014