Six months...and counting
As I'm starting this, it will have been six months since my mother died in about 4 hours. We'll see how long it takes me to get through this.
Dates have always been a thing for me. I'm pretty good at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but I can't for the life of me remember what I ate for dinner a 3 nights ago. Anyway, dates, they're a big deal. Which is why I'm here...
6 months without her. That's 183 days. 183 days without the woman that carried me through life. For 28 years of my life I let her carry me. If I could go back I wouldn't change anything, but it has made it harder without her. It's hard to decipher between what I want and what I think she would want for me. What I've decided is that as long as I'm happy, she'd be happy for me. That's what she would want...for me to just be happy. It's just weird trying to figure out life without her.
The last 6 months I've learned a lot about myself. Which has been great, but also difficult because she is missing it. Someone says "Mom", I see her face. Someone is eating lunch or dinner with their mother, I hear her voice. While I would never be one to tell anyone what to do, I do want to share this...if you still have your mother, talk to her. Hug her. Visit her. Tell her you love her. She loves you more than anyone on this earth. You are a part of her, and she won't always be here. Even with the extra time I got with my mother (we got a good 7+ years thanks to the advances in medicine), it wasn't enough. It was never going to be. Even if she had lived to be 100, it would not have been enough. Assuming I live for another 29 years (math = I would be 58...yep, I had to use a calculator), that means I would be on this earth longer without her than I was with her. Not sure how that's going to work...mainly because it just seems so unfair...but I have no other choice. No matter how long I have left on this earth, she will be with me through it all. It's going to be hard some days, probably most of them for a while, but it's going to be worth it. She would want that for me. And for all she did for me, most of which I will never be able to repay, this is the least I can do for her. Live my life. Find what makes me happy, and live.
Okay, now is when I need you to buckle up. I did something for myself in honor of my mother. It's a little funny what I decided to do because they were never her thing. I kept it tasteful, and also I can hide it pretty easily. But the more I look at it, the more I love it and I don't want to hide it. I'm sure some people might not love it, but it's not for them. It's for me. It's a reminder...of a lot of things, actually, but the one I'm willing to share (and which is probably most obvious) is her love for letters (cards, notes, etc.) She sent a card for just about everything. In fact, when I was looking for the perfect one I came across one she sent me for Easter 2013 that I had never opened. What's even funnier to me is that it was just a funny card. It wasn't signed and it had a little money in it (as always). Anyway, I got a tattoo of her handwriting on my wrist. The "Love" is from a letter she wrote to me in 1987. The "Mom" is from one of my favorite birthday cards from her. The comma was left up to the tattoo artist. He did a great job on all of it (especially the comma :)). So, without further ado...
Dates have always been a thing for me. I'm pretty good at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but I can't for the life of me remember what I ate for dinner a 3 nights ago. Anyway, dates, they're a big deal. Which is why I'm here...
6 months without her. That's 183 days. 183 days without the woman that carried me through life. For 28 years of my life I let her carry me. If I could go back I wouldn't change anything, but it has made it harder without her. It's hard to decipher between what I want and what I think she would want for me. What I've decided is that as long as I'm happy, she'd be happy for me. That's what she would want...for me to just be happy. It's just weird trying to figure out life without her.
The last 6 months I've learned a lot about myself. Which has been great, but also difficult because she is missing it. Someone says "Mom", I see her face. Someone is eating lunch or dinner with their mother, I hear her voice. While I would never be one to tell anyone what to do, I do want to share this...if you still have your mother, talk to her. Hug her. Visit her. Tell her you love her. She loves you more than anyone on this earth. You are a part of her, and she won't always be here. Even with the extra time I got with my mother (we got a good 7+ years thanks to the advances in medicine), it wasn't enough. It was never going to be. Even if she had lived to be 100, it would not have been enough. Assuming I live for another 29 years (math = I would be 58...yep, I had to use a calculator), that means I would be on this earth longer without her than I was with her. Not sure how that's going to work...mainly because it just seems so unfair...but I have no other choice. No matter how long I have left on this earth, she will be with me through it all. It's going to be hard some days, probably most of them for a while, but it's going to be worth it. She would want that for me. And for all she did for me, most of which I will never be able to repay, this is the least I can do for her. Live my life. Find what makes me happy, and live.
Okay, now is when I need you to buckle up. I did something for myself in honor of my mother. It's a little funny what I decided to do because they were never her thing. I kept it tasteful, and also I can hide it pretty easily. But the more I look at it, the more I love it and I don't want to hide it. I'm sure some people might not love it, but it's not for them. It's for me. It's a reminder...of a lot of things, actually, but the one I'm willing to share (and which is probably most obvious) is her love for letters (cards, notes, etc.) She sent a card for just about everything. In fact, when I was looking for the perfect one I came across one she sent me for Easter 2013 that I had never opened. What's even funnier to me is that it was just a funny card. It wasn't signed and it had a little money in it (as always). Anyway, I got a tattoo of her handwriting on my wrist. The "Love" is from a letter she wrote to me in 1987. The "Mom" is from one of my favorite birthday cards from her. The comma was left up to the tattoo artist. He did a great job on all of it (especially the comma :)). So, without further ado...
Miss the hell out of her. Some days hurt so bad it's hard to want to get out of bed in the morning. But some days are good, and I remember how much I was loved by her (and still am). And how much I love her. And it was all worth it. The good, the bad and the ugly. She was the best mother, friend, daughter, sister, MaeMae (grandmother) the world has ever seen (I know I am pretty biased, but I'll fight to the death for it because it's true).
And since pictures were always her thing, I'll leave you with a little collage...
I miss you with every fiber of my being, and I love you more than I can put into words.
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