Blurred, Fogged, and Broken
Fair warning...honesty and sadness ahead.
It's an odd feeling to go on existing when the person that brought you into existence is no longer existing. It's strange to learn new things about the world or people and not be able to tell them. Or to move forward in time while they are stuck, standing still. And it's an odd feeling to know something is coming and still feel blindsided when it does.
Grief for me has a tendency of causing odd, unexplainable feelings. Which makes it harder for me to communicate to people how I feel. I wish there was a word that could describe what it felt like to lose a parent. My parent. A constant parent. My mother was my constant, and as soon as she was gone, I felt gone too.
The truth is, I believe, that no matter how much you love a person, and no matter how much you think you can't, you actually CAN live without them. The problem is that you don't WANT to. It's hard to get that "want" back. I like to think that it eventually comes back, but when you're right in the middle of not "wanting to", things get a bit hazy, like a fog. It can convince you of a lot of things. For me, it makes me go through the motions of life without every really being aware of what's going on. I can't keep track of days. I can't keep track of a lot of conversations. Thank God most of my bills are on autopay. Otherwise, I'd be behind on just about about everything. Okay, yeah, everything.
What I do want: to change everything. Today. I want to quit my job, move away, and just start over. However, there is an unwritten rule (or maybe it's written down somewhere) that after a traumatic experience you need to take 6 months to a year before you make any life changing decisions. I believe it, and I am trying my best to do just that. The truth is, I could quit my job today, move away, and start over...but it wouldn't bring my mother back, and that's exactly what I would be trying to do. Your troubles have an annoying tendency to follow you wherever you go.
*Random story: My next door neighbor randomly asked me yesterday if we could chat about some things in our basically shared back yard. Long story short, he met my mom (of course...she made friends everywhere she went) when I first moved in. He talked about her like she was still alive. I didn't correct him. It actually felt good that she was still alive to someone. Someone right next door.
I am wandering and I am lost. I have no map to get me out of the woods and on the other side of deep, dark grief. I have no travel guide that can tell me me the best way to go. It's just me, trudging along, trying to keep my eyes focused on the One that can lead me. I know He's there. My mom keeps telling me He is. It's just hard to see sometimes.
I know my vision is blurred. I know my head is fogged. I know...that my heart is breaking. Until I can find my way through my now blurred world....until the fog in my head dissipates...and until I can at least start to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, I'll be holding on. After all, it's pretty damn hard to make any (let alone good) decisions when everything's blurred, fogged and broken.
It's an odd feeling to go on existing when the person that brought you into existence is no longer existing. It's strange to learn new things about the world or people and not be able to tell them. Or to move forward in time while they are stuck, standing still. And it's an odd feeling to know something is coming and still feel blindsided when it does.
Grief for me has a tendency of causing odd, unexplainable feelings. Which makes it harder for me to communicate to people how I feel. I wish there was a word that could describe what it felt like to lose a parent. My parent. A constant parent. My mother was my constant, and as soon as she was gone, I felt gone too.
The truth is, I believe, that no matter how much you love a person, and no matter how much you think you can't, you actually CAN live without them. The problem is that you don't WANT to. It's hard to get that "want" back. I like to think that it eventually comes back, but when you're right in the middle of not "wanting to", things get a bit hazy, like a fog. It can convince you of a lot of things. For me, it makes me go through the motions of life without every really being aware of what's going on. I can't keep track of days. I can't keep track of a lot of conversations. Thank God most of my bills are on autopay. Otherwise, I'd be behind on just about about everything. Okay, yeah, everything.
What I do want: to change everything. Today. I want to quit my job, move away, and just start over. However, there is an unwritten rule (or maybe it's written down somewhere) that after a traumatic experience you need to take 6 months to a year before you make any life changing decisions. I believe it, and I am trying my best to do just that. The truth is, I could quit my job today, move away, and start over...but it wouldn't bring my mother back, and that's exactly what I would be trying to do. Your troubles have an annoying tendency to follow you wherever you go.
*Random story: My next door neighbor randomly asked me yesterday if we could chat about some things in our basically shared back yard. Long story short, he met my mom (of course...she made friends everywhere she went) when I first moved in. He talked about her like she was still alive. I didn't correct him. It actually felt good that she was still alive to someone. Someone right next door.
***
I know my vision is blurred. I know my head is fogged. I know...that my heart is breaking. Until I can find my way through my now blurred world....until the fog in my head dissipates...and until I can at least start to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, I'll be holding on. After all, it's pretty damn hard to make any (let alone good) decisions when everything's blurred, fogged and broken.
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