Post-holiday
It's officially 2016. The holidays are over. Back to reality (and work) on Monday.
I got to say, this New Years was one of the best I've ever had. I spent it at my house with friends, playing games and just hanging out. In fact, we were having so much fun we missed the ball drop. We didn't realize it was 2016 until a couple of minutes after midnight. Which is perfectly fine with me. I'm trying to live more in the moment. No more waiting for a specific time. No more not doing something just because I don't think it's going to work out.
If I'm being completely honest (which I usually try to do on here) the holidays were rough. My family was great. The time off has been great. But it was different. Everything was different. A little clouded. A little empty. She was missing. It wasn't a surprise. I knew it was coming. And it still hit me like a ton of bricks. There were moments during the day I would just tell myself that she was in the other room. Or that she was laying down because she didn't feel well. I was missing her, but I was sad she was missing everything. I was sad that we weren't going to make any new memories with her. That the kids memories were numbered. You could actually count them. It would take a while, but there was a figure. I'm just happy that while there is a number for our memories, I'd never be able to count them. Too many to count and so many good ones I can't help but smile through my tears and pain because she made me so happy. She was so (for lack of a better word) great. A great person. A great daughter. A great sister. A great friend. A great wife. A great mother. A great MaeMae (grandmother).
2016 will be my first full calendar year without my mother. I know there will be some days I won't want to participate in 2016, but I hope there will be more that I'll live to the fullest in memory of her. Some big changes are coming in 2016 for me. While she's not physically here (and since I have no other choice) I'll be carrying her with me. I'll talk to her and tell her everything.
While letting go of 2015 feels like something I really want to do, it's also really difficult. 2015 was the last year my mom was on this earth. Part of me would like to go back. Just to be with her on this earth again. Not sure if I could lose her twice, but I might could try if it meant I got to be with her again.
So, here's to 2016. I know there will be more ups and downs. Nothing will compare to losing my mother, but not much can compare to surviving this world without her either. Here's to being brave (like her) and to living in the moment.
"The thing about being brave is that it doesn't come with the absence of fear and hurt. Bravery is the ability to look fear and hurt in the face and say move aside, you are in my way." - Melissa Tumino
"Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have." - Eckhart Tolle
Christmas 2014 - Our last Christmas with Mom
I got to say, this New Years was one of the best I've ever had. I spent it at my house with friends, playing games and just hanging out. In fact, we were having so much fun we missed the ball drop. We didn't realize it was 2016 until a couple of minutes after midnight. Which is perfectly fine with me. I'm trying to live more in the moment. No more waiting for a specific time. No more not doing something just because I don't think it's going to work out.
If I'm being completely honest (which I usually try to do on here) the holidays were rough. My family was great. The time off has been great. But it was different. Everything was different. A little clouded. A little empty. She was missing. It wasn't a surprise. I knew it was coming. And it still hit me like a ton of bricks. There were moments during the day I would just tell myself that she was in the other room. Or that she was laying down because she didn't feel well. I was missing her, but I was sad she was missing everything. I was sad that we weren't going to make any new memories with her. That the kids memories were numbered. You could actually count them. It would take a while, but there was a figure. I'm just happy that while there is a number for our memories, I'd never be able to count them. Too many to count and so many good ones I can't help but smile through my tears and pain because she made me so happy. She was so (for lack of a better word) great. A great person. A great daughter. A great sister. A great friend. A great wife. A great mother. A great MaeMae (grandmother).
2016 will be my first full calendar year without my mother. I know there will be some days I won't want to participate in 2016, but I hope there will be more that I'll live to the fullest in memory of her. Some big changes are coming in 2016 for me. While she's not physically here (and since I have no other choice) I'll be carrying her with me. I'll talk to her and tell her everything.
While letting go of 2015 feels like something I really want to do, it's also really difficult. 2015 was the last year my mom was on this earth. Part of me would like to go back. Just to be with her on this earth again. Not sure if I could lose her twice, but I might could try if it meant I got to be with her again.
So, here's to 2016. I know there will be more ups and downs. Nothing will compare to losing my mother, but not much can compare to surviving this world without her either. Here's to being brave (like her) and to living in the moment.
"The thing about being brave is that it doesn't come with the absence of fear and hurt. Bravery is the ability to look fear and hurt in the face and say move aside, you are in my way." - Melissa Tumino
"Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have." - Eckhart Tolle
Christmas 2014 - Our last Christmas with Mom
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