Somethin' serious.

I think I have just had a break through. Brace yourself, this one is gonna be a long one.

Before Adam, my life was very simple. I had friends, I went to school, I had (and still do have) a great family. I really did love my life. I loved myself, too (but not in a bad, conceited way). After Adam, things got more complicated. I withdrew myself from my friends, I hating going to school, and I also withdrew myself from my family. And on top of that, I hated myself. Then I had another boyfriend. Things started to get better. I think I started loving myself again because someone loved me too. After I screwed that relationship up, I went back to hating myself. My jokes were my cover. I figured if I laughed and made jokes, people would think I was ok. Inside I was a mess.

Then I got to college. It was a fresh start. I could be whoever I wanted to be. I went through phases though. I recommitted myself to the Lord. But I don’t think my whole heart was in it. I hurt people I truly cared about, and who cared about me. I turned into someone I didn’t want to be. Once I became who I thought I should be, people around me started changing. Not in a bad way. Mostly it had to do with my friends all having boyfriends, and both of my sisters being married. I freaked out because I saw that everyone could see who they wanted to be with. And I had no clue. Everyone was going down their own path with the one they love. But my path was so different from everyone else’s that it scared me. I feel that once you find that “special someone” you can see your future. Not saying it’s going to turn out the way you planned (because it usually doesn’t), but still you have your own glimpse of what you think your future will be like. When you feel alone, like I have for a long time, you can’t see anything because that special someone in your imaginary future doesn’t have a face. That freaked me out even more.

Then I realized, I can go down my own path with the one I love. God. He should be leading me whether I’m going down my own path, or hanging out on a friend’s path, or if I’m sitting on the side of someone’s path I don’t even know. Wherever I am at this is exact moment is for a reason. It’s because God wants me right here, right now.

Everyone is blessed in many different ways. My sisters are blessed (but their blessings are certainly not limited to this) because they have husbands who they love, and love them. And soon they’ll start a family and hopefully live happily ever after. My friends are blessed (their blessings aren’t limited to this either) because some of them have already found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. And they’ll start a family and hopefully live happily ever after. I’m blessed because it’s just me. Getting married is like starting a new life. Before marriage you have your own life, your own rules. When you get married you begin a new life. A shared life. Better than your life on your own because you get to share it with someone you love. Maybe I’ll get to begin that new life someday. Maybe not. Not everyone is meant to get married. And if I never get married, I can consider that my own type of blessing too. (Disclaimer: Please know that all this talk about marriage is my opinion. Obviously I have never been married, so I don’t know what it’s really like. So please don’t be offended if I say something you don’t agree with).

Adam was one of the best things that ever happened to me. His short life on this earth taught me so much. Even though he’s gone, I’m still learning from him. God has taught me so much through my tragedies. God always knows what He’s doing. I pray so hard that some peace for myself will come from this. God’s love should be enough for me. And to all the married and/or seriously involved couples who might read this, please don’t think for a second that I am talking down to you. You are all blessed because you don’t have to search anymore. The one person that God knows can love you the most on this earth, you’ve already found. God doesn’t make mistakes. You’re married for a reason, and I’m single for a reason. ‘Nuff said.

One of these days, I will be TRULY happy. It’s coming. I already should be happy because God has blessed me in more ways than I deserve. But I’m human. I question, and doubt way more than I should. But I know God is in control.

Ok, I’m done. Sorry for the intense nature of this post. I just really needed to say it.